Its a bittersweet day. Its the first day he's been gone all day.
I feel nervous and uncertain, but confident I'm doing the right thing. If only my children could understand. Its hard for them and hard for me.to console.them properly, without animosity . I will try.
We have no car, so were prepared to walk to school. Bills will be partially paid for this month so I can buy food for us.
I can only think about today. Tomorrow I will tackle in the morning. I hope he doesn't try to come home, it will only fuck us up more. I truly want us all to be happy, and for my kids and me, that's without him. They miss him, yes. The also fear him and loathe his drunkenness.
That's it. Its day 1 of the rest of my life.
I picked up boxes at the local market this morning and I've already packed up 7 of them. Books! My books that I love are a source of great joy to me but they are also going to be a real drag to move. Unfortunately, my other large collection is rocks. I'm not kidding. Why couldn't I have picked something like insects or cotton balls. I know the answer to that already, because books and rocks are my passion.
No sense in lamenting over collections. Just keep moving in a forward direction.
I'm nervous, but motivated. I'm moving out or at least moving. He's now upstairs with the same flu that had my son and I down for 2 days. This gives me a head start and one without distraction. I'm going to take full advantage of it.
Today is the 2nd day of an awful flu my son and I have been subjected to, the last day I will ever have any hope that my man is an upstanding person, and the first day my landlord has voiced her "i've had enough" attitude.
All of this has been a long time coming, except of course my flu. I have no idea of how far behind on rent we are to my landlord, neither does the man who's been "dropping off our money" to her for the past 10 years.
He had me get up to read our landlord's correspondence, promise to call my best friend to ask her to give us the rent money, and now he sits on the couch watching tv, mumbling his victim nonsense. Yeah, right.
So, today's the first day of complete foggy headed, queezy stomach uncertainty. I'm not happy about it, but I can't stand to look at him anymore. I'm almost willing to abandon all my personal belongings and just walk away. That's how over it I am.
I've never known a man, who is less of a man. I'm more of a man than he is. All I want to be is a woman with happy, optimistic children, who is loved, working hard and appreciated for being me. Is that too much?
How could I ever have accepted less?
He's so out of my picture at this point, I don't even hear him talking. Finally. I've detached.
Today is the first day of a new beginning, free from the bullshit I've loved and protected like I could save him.
Previous Postsday whatever, posted January 28th, 2013
Day 2, posted January 16th, 2013
Day 1, posted January 15th, 2013
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